Of Parents and Children

Over the past few months there has been a lot of buzz on some of my email lists about Tim Schenck's What Size are God's Shoes: Kids, Chaos, and the Spiritual Life. So when a copy arrived at the office in a "preview" box from Church Publishing, I figured I should probably read it. For the most part, I read it on the train going to and from the City. Often, I put it aside to read something else. This evening I finally finished it.

It is not a book I would join a study group to discuss. It is not a book I would read again. As I contemplated why a book that generated so much interest in my colleagues across the church didn't speak to me at all, I realized it was, for the most part, because it focused on his kids. That was a little bit of a shock. The Associate Program Officer for Children's Formation in the denominational headquarters of the Episcopal Church had trouble with a book because it was about kids? What does that say about my ministry there? Have I allowed myself to be placed into the wrong job? (And believe me, lately it has been a job more than a ministry, but that's for another time.)

After further reflection I figured out that it wasn't the fact that the book focused on his kids, it was that Schenck wrote about his kids and his relationship with them as a parent. I also realized that I'd found his segues from the parent/child relationship to God's relationship with us to be annoying, if not cloying at times. And while I've been a child, I have never been a parent.

That's not new, and I've read other books written by parents about their relationships with their children and about parenting. I've liked many of them, and disliked others, but I don't remember any being so annoying. Perhaps it is because at 11 months shy of 50, there is a finality about the fact that I never will be a parent. It is one of the the few things I regret about my life. Brian and I had a chance to adopt a baby. We spent long hours discussing the possibility. It was a revelation to me that Brian, who never wanted children, considered it at all, much less as seriously as we did. In the end, we decided that it was not fair to bring a child into the family and place her in daycare. We both felt one of us should be home full-time, at least until she started school, and at that stage of our lives, we couldn't afford for one of us to stop working.

Never say never. I know that. However...

I know a couple who adopted an infant when they were 50, but I just can't imagine teaching a teenager to drive when I'm eligible to collect Social Security. I know someone else who fathered a child at 60, and my first thought was, "He may not live to see his child graduate from college." Even now, spending time with my brother's 10-year-old can wear me out!

At the same time, I do not have to be a parent to work with and for children. I do enjoy being around children, and children seem to enjoy being around me. I can advocate for them, teach them, learn from them, minister to them, and be ministered to by them.

And I don't have to like every book about parent/child relationships.

Peace,
Jeff