Two By Two....Not

The subject of singles--especially lgbt singles--comes up regularly on one of my mail lists. Usually it rises out of a discussion of same-sex marriage, a topic which also comes up regularly on this particular list, because it is a list of lgbt Christians and their friends. Occasionally, the conversation gets heated, but it eventually dies down. Until the next time someone raises the issue of marriage. And it does come up again, and again, and again....

During the most recent exchange on how the church treats singles, someone, who is in a same-sex relationship and went to Canada with their spouse to get married, asked, "What do single people want from the church?" It is a fair question. It does not have an easy answer.

The church has treated me as a single person all of my adult life, even during the 11+ years I shared my life with Brian. I cannot count the number of times an usher seated me next to a "nice young woman" in an obvious attempt to introduce two single people to each other. Or how many times well-meaning folks at church tried to match me up with someone. Not to mention those rare times when Brian did show up at church with me, and people treated him as my brother/cousin/friend. Now that I am older, I tend to get seated next to middle-aged widows at parish functions. Even during those brief periods where I attended churches with a primarily lgbt membership, folks tried to set me up with the nice young man across the parish hall.

Nor is this phenomenon experienced only by lgbt singles. Heterosexual singles also endure this endless urge to couple them up. How many "singles ministries" are really just a way to get singles together so that they can find a partner and couple up? How many times do they join a committee only to be put to work on a project with that "nice person" of the opposite sex? And the ceaseless focus on children's activities, Sunday school, Youth groups, parents groups--even in churches where the congregation is primarily what I often refer to as "widows and orphans." Not to mention the prayers offered for wedding anniversaries in many congregations.

What do single people want from the church? How about acknowledging that not all of us are seeking to be coupled up? How about singles ministries that are not a glorified dating game? How about recognizing that some of us care deeply about passing on the faith to the next generations and enjoy working with children and youth in church programs? How about asking us what our needs are rather than making assumptions? How about thinking twice before asking us to do certain work just because we do not have "family obligations?"

There is no easy answer. I am not sure, given our culture, that there can be an answer, but at least churches could do something as simple as remembering that we are part of the congregation, too.

Peace,
Jeffri